Why you should start talking to strangers + Thanksgiving Expectations

Dear Friends,

In today’s newsletter, I’m talking about college kids coming home, tips for having the holiday you want, and talking to strangers. Feel free to skip to the sections that you're most interested in.

Strategy with College Kids Home

You’ve been SO looking forward to having your college kid come home for Thanksgiving, but things feel off or worse. We feel disappointed and sometimes hurt by them “sleeping the day away” or making plans with friends. Between our kids' academic demands, navigating a new living and social environments and expectations, our kids are coming home exhausted.

Even if it’s not their first year away, home is where they need to sleep first and foremost. They can relax as they feel “safe,” (this is really what we want, right? Home as a haven). They want to get together with friends they have known and feel comfortable with, which makes sense!

Our pain or frustration as parents comes from the lack of expectations lining up with reality AND lack of expressing what we’d like. If you have college kids coming home this Thanksgiving it's really important to:

• Minimize plans, magnify downtime

• Express your expectations for help needed or family activities clearly

• Collaborate on how both you AND they can get their needs met

• Don’t take things personally

Tips for Having the Thanksgiving You Want

Holidays have most of us in “task” vs “relationship” mode, which means that we ignore and miss out on what’s truly important. Reflect and think about what you want this holiday.

• What’s important to you?

• Is what you want possible or reasonable?

• How has Thanksgiving gone in the past?

• Are they the memories you want your family to have?

• How can you be intentional and thoughtful? 

When you stop to reflect and create an intention, one that you can remind yourself of mid-chaos, you are more likely to have the memories and holiday you want. 

A healthy and effective strategy that I use (and now my kids, husband, and countless clients use too) is to make a game of dealing with a challenging family member. In short, you count how many times in X amount of time this family member will say or do their difficult thing. For instance, if you have a mom that criticizes with abandon, you make a game of how many critical comments she will say between breakfast and the meal, or during the meal or whenever you might be feeling triggered.  

This is helpful because you have removed/detached from the emotionally triggering reality that you cannot control and instead focus on your count and observation. You become an observer instead of a reactive participant.

Talking to Strangers

“Thank you, I really needed that,” the checkout person smiled at me. I had just purchased an expensive item at our little market in town and she had asked if I wanted the receipt. I could have simply said yes or no, but instead I said, “Oh gosh no, please destroy the evidence.” She laughed out loud. It’s a little thing, just a little tweak, and it had the power to make us both feel good – and even make her day better.

I know this to be true. Months after our family had moved to Switzerland and I had zero friends and was dreadfully lonely, a simple smile and eye contact from another human had the power to get me through my day. It would make or break me.

Instead of “stranger danger,” talking to strangers is actually good for you and your kids. From eye contact, a smile, to small talk, your efforts make a difference for you – and the other person. We feel connected, happier, with a general improved well-being and increased trust!

To start, we can role model this confidence boosting, fear of rejection reducing, well-being skill for our kids! The easiest place for “stranger talking” is at the store check out, so with the potential for multiple grocery store runs for Thanksgiving, it is the perfect week to Talk to Strangers.  

Be brave, go for it, and tell me how it went! 

Happy Thanksgiving!