How to start "looking for the helpers...

Dear Friends,

One of my favorite, and most effective, principles in parent coaching is this: “Where you give your attention is what you will see more of.”

And it’s a strategy that every single person in this country needs right now, parent or not.

Why? In addition to the fact that the news and even our social media feeds are predominantly negative, it’s because our brains are evolutionarily hardwired to be threat-aware to protect our survival. We all have a “natural” negativity bias. This means that not only do we notice negatives more readily than positives, but we also strongly remember the negatives and forget the positives.  

I tell parents a story of “poison berries” to help clarify this bias. Imagine that there are dozens of different berries out there that you have to gather for your survival. You will not be able to identify and remember all the edible ones, but you sure as heck will remember the few poisonous ones. In this context, our negative bias is a gift and keeps us alive, but in today’s world and in our relationships, it's more of a curse. 

With parents, I work to focus parents’ attention on the things their kids are doing “right,” behavior that they want to see more of, instead of focusing on what needs to change. Parents realize that they have been inadvertently reinforcing the negative by giving it attention (for kids, attention of any kind is a survival strategy – a topic for another time).  With their focus shift, suddenly positive behavior is everywhere, and their relationship has improved to boot! What started as a lens shift blossoms into an overall better outcome.

The same is possible for each and every one of us in our daily lives. 

Just like on news and social media, where we give our attention with our clicks, likes, comments, or even just a brief pause in our scrolling causes our mental “feed” to give us more of the same. In no time, as the magnitude grows, we think that’s all that’s out there.

I see the toll that our default negative bias is taking on all of us in the way we speak, our world outlook, our mental health, and the lack of hope we have for now and the future. It’s toxic and takes us further from the life that we want. 

Mister Rogers’ wisdom of encouraging children to “look for the helpers” is a perfect directive for us all. The truth is, there is so much good happening in our country and our world — we just haven’t seen it yet.

With the work that I do, I have the privilege of being witness to many groups and people who are working to bridge divides, focus on our common humanity, moved by goodwill and hope. I’m surrounded by so many, many people working tirelessly (paid and unpaid) in their little corners of the country, giving everything they have to make our world a better place. 

I come together with others in forums at Weave the Social Fabric Project (join us!) or Listen First Project. I also get to see the good when I hear from ordinary people who have organized micro-local neighborhood gatherings and seen firsthand the life-changing impact it brings. 

And, I’m so excited to share that Block Party USA is now officially part of the Braver Angels Network, and so I am able to offer you a free membership to Braver Angels by clicking here.

Engaging with these groups fortifies me, comforts me, strengthens my worldview, and gives me so much hope. I invite you to do the same.

Everything changes when we give attention to that which we want to see more of. We grow it in our minds and hearts, become connected to it, and it strengthens us, our families, our neighborhoods, and our nation.  

So join us in finding, living in, and shining light on the good in our partner, kids, family, friends, community, and our world. 

We are the people we’ve been waiting for.

PS: Of course, gathering your neighbors is a key action step. So sign up and join me next Wednesday, February 25th from 3pm–3:30pm ET for my next Block Party USA Office Hours! http://blockpartyusa.org/office-hours