Soiling the nest and other things college kids do...

Dear Friends,

If you have a kid heading back to college, or going for the first time, you might be in a similar boat that I was a few weeks ago. I was feeling frustrated and sad at the same time.

I knew that our time together at home was limited and slipping through my fingers, but I was so frustrated by things that had not been resolved/completed with work/school/home as I had expected. I kept waiting for her to get that stuff done so that we could enjoy each other. The unchecked to-do list became a barrier in our relationship. Worse yet, she was feeling hurt by it.

I had to practice what I preached. I leaned on one of the principles we use in our NAMI meetings: “We will see the person first, and not the illness.” This principle helps separate symptoms and behavior from the person and allows us to focus on seeing someone for who they are, at their core. People are more than what they struggle with. Now her undesirable behaviour wasn’t illness per se, but it was problematic. And it had become all that I could see. 

Let me be clear – I wasn’t giving up on or changing my expectations or boundaries. 

I was just holding them separately from my relationship with her. I stopped putting our relationship on pause until the "things" (behaviors, tasks, expectations) were met. Everyday interactions weren't the right place for those conversations, so we built one: a recurring meeting and a contract. By giving the things I was frustrated with a specific, finite time and space, we were able to spend time together freely and still hold to my boundaries.

You don’t have to wait to build your relationship with your kid (of any age!) until they do (or stop doing) the tasks/behaviors you want to see. Get coffee or ice cream with them. Go have lunch with them. Go back-to-school shopping with them. Sit on the couch or the beach with them. Spend some real, unhurried time enjoying each other. You still can do this now.

Oh, and if they’re suddenly driving you crazy, acting rude, or being extra frustrating, folks call this “soiling the nest.” It's a behavior that comes from hidden fear and/or sadness about leaving and trying to make it easier to separate and say goodbye. 

The best thing you can do is to try not to take it personally. Let go of their messy room or sleep schedule, because soon enough, they’ll have to figure it out on their own. Their mood isn’t a negative reflection of their relationship with you – it’s their internal turmoil coming out sideways.

Here’s to enjoying our kids – and not letting to-dos get in the way. Wishing you smooth transitions and know that sadness and relief can coexist!

PS: If your kid is going to college for the first time (or you haven’t done it yet!), one of the most important things you need to do is set up a power of attorney and health proxy/healthcare directive. Once your child is 18, you have no rights as a parent. So, you are not able to receive any medical information or make medical decisions if they’re ill, hospitalized, or incapacitated.

You can do this with your attorney if you have one or go online to Mama Bear or LegalZoom. Be sure to take photos of it and put it in a special album on your phone for quick access, and make copies to send one with your child and keep one at home.